Happy Thanksgiving.
It's hard to say that phrase because 2016 has been a pretty rough year. It's not the "giving thanks" part I'm having trouble with. I have plenty to be thankful for.
I have a beautiful, talented wife who is supportive of everything I do. We travel, create art, live, work, and play together. I'm thankful for her every day.
I also love what I do. I'm incredibly fortunate to do the exact thing I promised myself I would be doing 25 years ago. I spend my days making people laugh and helping them experience something that is becoming harder to find with every passing moment: mystery. It's my dream job and I'm thankful for it every single day.
Plus, I live in Chicago. The Windy City constantly challenges me to make my time count and to work harder. I always wanted to live in a city full of opportunity, surrounded by people different than me. Chicago is all of that and more. I'm so thankful to live here.
So yeah, it's not the "giving thanks" part I'm struggling with. It's the "happy" part.
I haven't been very happy this year - for a lot of reasons.
Work was slow for the first four or five months of 2016. I'm not sure why, but I was in a funk and I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere artistically. As a result, my business suffered.
Most performers in my field pretend to be busier than they are. They boast of their number of shows and their first class seats. But I don't want to lie - not here on my own blog. The point of these essays is to be honest, so believe me when I say the start of 2016 sucked for me. Artistically and business-wise. It was awful.
When you're self-employed and business is slow, it puts a strain on everything. My wife and I would get frustrated with each other more often, looking for somewhere to place the blame. We had to go all the way to London to get away from our work and take a break.
I was also training for a marathon at the start of the year. I was logging between 50-60 miles a month on top of a busy show/travel schedule during the holidays. Then, I was out for a run one day and I felt a sharp pain shoot up through my right foot and into my leg. I went to a podiatrist who told me that my feet aren't really built for running. Some custom orthotics and several months of physical therapy later, I'm finally getting back to training. But my progress is gone. I hate starting over.
In August my best friend killed himself. I've never been more sad then I was the day I heard the news. There's an emptiness inside of me now that will never be replaced. A song will come on my iPod that reminds me of Jake and it stops me dead in my tracks. I try to smile through it but it hurts too much. I miss him every day.
As the bad news kept piling on over the summer, I tried to figure out what happiness means to me. Why do I feel so sad when I have so much to be thankful for?
I turned to my usual outlet - writing - and made a list of the things that were affecting my mental well-being.
Social Media
Society's Definition Of Success
Negative People
The things that contributed to my depression all had one trait in common: they were out of my control. So I made another list - some reminders for myself:
I couldn't control what people shared online - I could only control my response to it.
My definition of success didn't have to be the same as everyone else's.
I could choose to eliminate the negative people from my life.
Now, whenever I'm alone and uncertain I pull up those reminders on my phone and think about what makes me truly happy. I can only control my thoughts and my actions. Nothing else. So I choose to think good thoughts and do good deeds.
I choose to be happy.
Business has picked up. I'll end the year with more shows and flights than any prior year. It just took a while to get going.
I'm slowly getting back into running. I can't wait to do another marathon.
Losing a friend made me realize how important the people I care about really are. I will never take them for granted.
I've stopped talking to the people who bring me down. I limit my time on social media and remind myself how little it matters. And I view success differently than I did before.
I'm not as sad as I was at the start of the year but I'm not fully happy either. Still, I'm closer than I've been for a really long time. And for that I'm truly thankful.