My office is a mess. My personal closet needs some serious attention. Things that don't directly relate to my work get thrown aside and forgotten.
Yet, my show is a well-oiled machine. My travel bag is always packed the same way and ready to go at a moment's notice. When it comes to what matters most to me, I'm a perfectionist.
Everything I need to perform my show is meticulously labeled and organized. Props are separated by type and size, then alphabetized and numbered. Everything has a place and everything gets used. It has a very American Psycho vibe...in that if you touch my stuff I might kill you.
Onstage, I'm constantly seeking perfection. I'm not simply satisfied with a good performance. If they applaud, then I want them to stand. If they laugh, I need it to be louder. If the show gets reviewed then I'll be disappointed if they didn't completely get it...even if it's a five-star review.
I'm insatiable.
Sometimes 99% of the audience will be on board but I'll spot the one person who isn't enjoying it. The rest of the show becomes a battle to win that person over.
After a show I only remember what went wrong. I'll fume about the little things for hours...until another show replaces those memories with new mistakes.
Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be enough. Will I have the show that pushes me over the edge and allows me to be fully fulfilled with what I do? Or will I forever be chasing a goal that keeps shifting and changing over time?
And why am I such a perfectionist about some things, but not others?
What if the thing you like most about yourself is also the thing that keeps you from being totally satisfied?
I don't expect answers, I'm just thinking out loud here. Besides, your answers probably won't satisfy me either.