I make my living figuring out what other people are thinking. But sometimes I struggle to figure out what I'm thinking myself. It's nothing but chaos in here.
It's a labyrinth of my current to do list, projects I'm working on, and everything in between. Plus I have a super good memory so I have a hard time forgetting things.
Like once I was at an event in LA and saw one of my heroes across the room. And I said to myself "I'll never forgive myself if I don't go say hi".
So I did.
I walked across the room and said "I just wanted to say hello and thank you for being such an inspiration in my life."
And he turned to me and said "Can't you see I'm busy?" And turned away again.
I'll never forget that. My mind won't let me.
I remember being bullied in first grade because of what I was wearing. I can still hear the shouts and jeers from the other kids on the bus. I wish I could forget it but my mind won't let me.
I was raised in a religious household but became an atheist in college. That was almost ten years ago. And even though I haven't looked at a bible in years I can still remember the books of the bible.
Now there's something I would love to forget.
Having a good memory means arguing with me is the worst. When my wife gets mad at me I hold everything over her head. I remember everything she's ever said and use it to win every single fight. It's unfair, but it's not up to me. If it were, I'd let it go...but I can't do that yet.
Memories are all we have, right? They're what define us. They are the building blocks of every action and decision we make today.
Better be careful crossing the street...remember what happened last time?
Maybe don't eat so many cookies tonight, you always feel terrible the next day.
Be kind to others, that's what dad always said. Like when you were feeling down and wanted to scream at classmates about how mean they were. But dad said to "kill them with kindness."
(I did, even though I really just wanted to kill them and end there.)
My dad died of cancer in 2006 and all I have of him are memories. He was a father, a coach, and my biggest fan. When he was fighting cancer, it destroyed me. When a family member has cancer, everything you do revolves around that disease.
The night he died I was standing in the hospital room with my family as he took his last breath. Then I walked outside with my brothers to try to calm down. It was a chilly night...around 2 or 3 in the morning.
And I calmed my brothers down and helped them understand the situation. I told them everything was going to be okay.
I didn't know if that was true because I didn't believe it myself. It just felt like the right thing to say. I wasn't sure, though, because I couldn't calm myself down. So how was I supposed to comfort them?
My dad had this wristwatch that was the fixture of my childhood. The watch was an award for being valedictorian of his high school class. I found that out when I was five years old. And I told myself I was going to get my own valedictorian watch, too, so I could be just like my dad.
That watch meant everything to me. So I worked my ass off to be top of my class.
I got my own watch. I was just like my dad.
The strangest thing happened that night. A few hours after my dad died, so did his watch. The battery just stopped working.
It just stopped and I haven't had the heart to put in a new battery yet. I probably never will.
I don't believe in anything supernatural. I'm not religious, I don't read my horoscope. I can't really read your mind - I'm just an entertainer, trying my best to tell you what you're thinking while trying to figure it out myself.
So I don't think anything divine stopped that watch. I think it...
Just...
Stopped.
But what an amazing thing.
Sometimes when my mind can't rest I try to do the same thing. I try desperately to stop time and live in the moment, between my last memory and the next.
And sometimes, just for a second, it's not so chaotic up here.